Thoughts on Wisdom - Part 4 - What do you fear the most?

Have you ever watched one of those TV detective shows where a woman has been subject to years of abuse by her husband and then is accused of murder as a result of finally having had enough?  Most often the question at hand is "why didn't she just leave?".  Other times, you see a story about the homeless in New York, and you wonder, "why don't they just move somewhere else where they can get a job?"

Human nature is a very complex thing.  We become attuned to our current situation, and often even if it is not the greatest in the world, we stay because it is safer that the outside world.  Having just experienced five months of unemployment, I can assure you it is scary out there.  I would much rather have stayed behind my desk, happy or sad.  Why is that?  Have you ever felt that way?

The question that starts this blog post asks what we fear the most.  I believe for most of us, it is change!  In fact, doctors tell us that the more change we experience, the more likely our health is to take a hit.  Our physical, emotional and social characteristics are so set in current behavior that the new is difficult to incorporate in.

Now, think for a moment about the implications of this for wisdom.  Wisdom is not just learning something new, but acting on it in some positive way.  Otherwise it is just knowledge.  The bible, for example is full of wisdom.  However, the instructions describe the spiritual experience as being born again.  Consider the implications of this impossible statement.  As a child, we have no set behaviors.  We are open to new learnings and adapt to teachings and experiences daily.  A child will trust those who are teaching them to provide the right information and will accept it on faith, forming their world view from these teachings and experiences.

Using the above example as a basis, let's consider the possibilities for overcoming this fear of change.  They are not very high.  It requires a daily willingness to consider the new.  It is an act of the will, which will then have to war against our human nature.  Imagine the wife who is willing to consider the new, and have faith that there is something positive out there for her to experience.  Perhaps she would be more willing to leave the bad situation.

Imagine you, willing to consider something new each day.  What is there out there today that could rock your world if you would let it?  Hey, talk to a democrat or republican, whichever you are not - and be open to their point of view!  Talk to a Christian or a non-believer, and really listen to their point of view.  Talk to a teenager or a senior citizen.  At the end of the day, ask yourself:  Were you open to anything at all that was shared with you... or are you afraid?

Try it and tell me how it goes!!!!!

Where the heck are you going?

If you are a guy like me, you have inevitably heard those words as you take the exit beyond the one you intended to take, and rather than re-enter the interstate and go back one exit, you turn on your internal GPS and start your cross country small road attempt to end up where you intended to go.  In your mind you know exactly where you expect to end up, and it is not your fault if if those with you can't see it.  In fact, they may know exactly where you are trying to go as well, but just can't see it from the route you are taking.

Our natural response?  "Just be quiet, I know what I am doing."  Ha!  I have had to stop more than once and ask as a result of having set off in a direction that seemed right at the time but put me in a place where no road seemed to get nearer to my goal.

Oul lives our companies and our ministries can experience the same situations, and we as leaders cannot afford the luxury of just turning and trying any old road with the expectation it will take us where we want to go, without the support of those along for the ride with us.  Sometimes the wise move is to turn around and go back to the interstate, but sometimes that way is not open to us and we have to keep going in a direction we think will take us toward the goal.

I have two pieces of advice for you this morning.  First, you need to communicate clearly to those riding with you why you are going the direction you are headed, and make sure they understand as well your level of certainty.  It is ok for those with you to leave breadcrumbs for the possibility of backtracking, but they need to be on board with the direction and the risk.  After all, you are the leader.  Take the time to talk about things in a positive but realistic manner.  You never expect to lose, do you?  However, you may have to change the gameplan a little to ensure success.

My second piece of advice is be willing to stop and ask for direction.  A small bit of tweaking to a plan can in some cases redirect you back toward the goal, rather than allowing you to move further away, and eventually forcing a backtrack.  Consider having a mentor who will give you feedback from his or her experiences.  Also, consider having someone audit your plans and from the outside critique the direction based on your goals. 

Visit WisdomSelling.com for more thoughts on this idea.

Would you lie to make a six-figure Deal?

My wife and I were watching a new and interesting show on TV about a group of guys who sell million dollar real estate.  It seems like their total focus was on making the deal, and their commissions were upwards of six figures on some deals.  These guys let the cameras follow them around during their listing processes, their sales methods and their social lives.  They gave of a strong sense of being willing to do about anything to make a sale.  Just no real set of distinct guidelines for character except as needed to get the deal done.

So this one guy has a listing that he plans to put a special push on and he begins making calls to his major clients.  To each one he uses the same lines, like:  I am calling you first, you are my most important customer, of course I called you first, etc.  Each time he was filmed on the phone he was spinning some message to please the customer, each an obvious exaggeration or outright lie.

Now, this may seem like a personal preference of the agent that I should just accept, but my son was also in the room, watching the show off and on as we admired the different huge houses.  I had to stop and tell him that these lies the guy was telling were not acceptable, and that we should never behave like that.  Well, that is the right thing to say, isn't it? 

However, I immediately had a gut check time.  Would I ever use any sort of falsehood to make a deal?  While now I can safely say I would not, I cannot say my entire sales career was lie free.  I live with the regret of some of what I recall, but I am sure there are lots of times I made a small point that was untrue that I don't even remember.  Ouch - seeing it from the outside in was so distasteful!

I watched this guy with amazement as he had no concerns at all about the viewing public see him do this.  I also had to wonder if he thought these people he was talking to would never watch the show.  What would he say if they called to challenge him on this?  Would he even care?  In today's culture this behavior is being glorified, filmed and shown as entertainment.  Good Grief.

So as you are reading this, is there anything coming to mind that you might need to deal with from the past or for the future.  I encourage you to at least privately consider it and make a decision on your deals in the future.  Win with honesty or not at all?  Easily said, but challenging to implement.  Good luck!

Interesting Thought - Is technology robbing us of truly interesting people?

My daughter and I were driving to school this morning, and she told me about the ring she was wearing.  She told me it was from her Grandmother.  Well, not really. It was from her mom, but she wanted it to be from her Grandmother “Nanny”, so she was pretending it was.  My daughter is 15, so if she is pretending, it must be pretty important.

I told her she needed to come up with a story about the ring that would give it a special meaning.  She thought for a moment then told a story of some small value, but brief and to the point. I explained to her that was unacceptable, as a story about something as valuable as a ring needed a special story.

So, she challenged me with “go”.  Here is my story, right off the cuff:

Nanny’s husband was a wonderful man when they met, but after the marriage the weight of the world began to wear him down.  In order to cope with this life of disappointment and lack of direction, he began to drink.  In fact, he drank so much he became an alcoholic.  He began to be more aggressive at home; in fact, he was somewhat verbally abusive.  He would stay out late, and Nanny became despondent over the lack of any relationship with her husband.  She longed for a conversation that didn’t focus on something she did wrong or neglected to do at all.

Her husband fell further and further down, until there was no relationship at all.  Her Christian values provided her comfort and helped her commit to stay, but her reasons were so unselfish – to hopefully one day help him recover his character and follow his dreams.

One day, he was sitting in a bar, as he usually did, and a ring salesman sat down next to him.  He asked what he was doing there, and her husband explained how this was the only place he felt at home anymore.  The salesman asked if he was married.  Yes, he replied.  The salesman said he was too, and was very sad to be away from his wife for even the little while it took him to run his route each week.  He asked Nanny’s husband to tell him about Nanny.  Well, no one likes to tell about his wife as a failure, so he began to describe her as he once thought her to be.  The more he talked, the more interesting the description became, and he felt something he hadn’t felt in a while.  He missed her, and actually wanted to be with her more than being at the bar.

After a few more moments, a tear formed in his eye.  The salesman asked if something was wrong.  The husband replied that everything was wrong and he was the cause.  He realized that he wanted her more than he wanted the beer.  He then proceeded to confess to the salesman about his life of drinking and abuse.  The salesman told him he didn’t think it was too late.  Nanny’s husband stood up with the intention to leave and go straight home to her.

The ring salesman then told him not to go home empty handed, and opened his case to reveal a simple silver ring.  He gave it to Nanny’s husband and told him to present it to her as a symbol of his commitment to a new life.

Turns out it was.  From then on, life was different.  And Nanny did not take this ring off till she was ready to leave to see him in heaven, at which point she presented it to my daughter, with a request that she remember it is never too late.

Thus the importance of the ring to my daughter.

It was fun to tell the story, but her response was sobering and saddening.  She said that if I was growing up today I would just be normal, rather than having this streak of creativity.  She said that the television, internet and cell phone had robbed her peers of the ability to tell stories and create from scratch.

If this has happened to you, or to someone you know, it is not too late!  Tell a story tonight.  Or two or three.  Teach your friends and families to tell stories about the objects around them.  Be creative before creativity disappears.

Are you arrogant?

That may seem like a strange and presumptuous question for me to be asking you this morning.  However, I think that your honest answer to this question, and the decisions you make about how to deal with it may change your day, your relationships, your career and your personal witness to others.

I unfortunately have had to deal with this question often in my own life.  Both in my own behavior and in the behavior I have experienced in others.  Let me give you a definition so you might think back on your interactions with me and see if you think I am or was.  Then you might also look at yourself.

Arrogance to me is thinking less of someone else because they do not think act or believe in alignment with my own beliefs.  I will give you an example.  Let’s say as a result of my beliefs I don’t believe in drinking.  I experience someone who has a lifestyle that includes social drinking or otherwise.  Because of my beliefs there is a gap in behaviors.  Arrogance would mean I think they are less than me because they chose this lifestyle.  I am finding it interesting to watch an eight year old, who does not yet have the capacity of discernment, who struggles to appreciate anyone he sees drinking or smoking.  He does not have the ability to let go what he sees as a deviation from his belief system, and cannot let it go.  He is always pointing it out.  I think to myself, “Why is he so stuck on this?”  Yet I realize I have my own judgments based on my beliefs that cause me to do the same.

In business, we often find ourselves in negotiations with someone who may or may not share the same level of morals and ethics as we do.  In our mind, they often become inferior, as they have a flaw compared to our beliefs.  Yet in their own mind, they see themselves as just fine, and growing quite successful with their behaviors. 

In relationships, we find that decisions are being made based on a family history that we have not experienced personally, and it produces decisions we believe are inferior to our own.  We begin to think less of the other person in this relationship because they are not capable of thinking as we do.

In sports, we excel in a certain skill, and can become caught up in the fact that others do not perform at our level.  We believe that we can outperform because our measurement system is based on our skill set.  You only have to watch the movie Rudy, to see this arrogance played out by others on the team.  Yet he is the one carried off at the end.  Perhaps the measurement system in life was different than the measurement system of the superstar?

In faith, we find that people in the world around us commit acts we consider atrocious.  Sleeping around, driving drunk, telling lies, whatever they deem necessary to have a good time, or to get ahead.  Based on the beliefs of our faith, we can get caught in the trap of sitting in judgment, and gain arrogance in our own performance.  However, we can forget that these people don’t have the same measuring stick as we do in their minds.  To them, their behavior is perfectly acceptable.

In our personal lives we can get so caught up in measures of performance that we have set, that we think we are doing well, and when others deem our performance to be less than excellent we get angry or quit or get into bad habits of secrecy or other unfortunate actions.

The issue here is not that our point of view of the world is wrong.  We may have a perfect understanding of right and wrong, spiritual faith, etc.  The issue is that the world is not aligned.  There is divergence of attitude, viewpoint and moral and ethical thought all around us.  We can see this as our government tries to deal with different world views and shows more arrogance than understanding.

As with general discussions of arrogance, the solution here is to humble ourselves.  Humility is not the action of lowering ourselves below the level of others.  Humility is the lifting up of others.  Meekness is a power that allows us to be content in ourselves so that we can serve others.  By allowing the viewpoints of others to exist without arrogance, we can then begin to understand them, and if possible even influence them.  Influence is a power that comes from people trusting you enough to hear what you have to say and consider it.  Arrogance is the enemy of influence.

I challenge you today as I challenge myself.  Don’t be hatin!  Don’t be arrogant.  Through live, consider those around you better than yourself.   But don’t consider yourself any less!  I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

Are you the center of your universe?

One of the most interesting ideas about believing in God is the implication that God is greater that man.  The idea that he created the universe and is the ruler of it as a result has importance to each of us that believes.  If God is indeed the center of the universe, then in some way we are subject to this, and we are outside of the center.

The opposite of this would be the person who does not believe in God.  By default, they are then the center of their existence.  They live, then they die.  Because God is not in charge, they are free to choose to select any set of morals and rules to be their guide.  Many people view this as their right as a person.  However, the conflict arises when the rules and morals they want to define life, and those of others are not the same.  How to decide which one is the right way?  What then is the truth.  In extreme cases, the universe of each person has no overlap, and they cannot agree on anything.  In other cases, the truth becomes a series of compromises, and what is true today might not be so tomorrow.

There is comfort in the knowledge that God has provided a set of truths for us to follow in our lives.  The fact that we don't like all of them is indicative of the conflict between human nature (us as the center) and being a servant of God.  We can choose to not like one of God's laws, but that does not make it untrue, and because of this there is a constant issue of separation and repentance involved in a God relationship.

If a person does not believe in God, that does not make God's truth false, it just makes it false to them.  Society allows these people often to impose their wills on believers in God, since they are in charge of their universe.  They can find enough people to support their view and make it the new truth.  Believers must find a way to address the way that the world imposes viewpoints on us.  Following Jesus gives us a guide for dealing with those who don't believe in God or Christ, and helps us stay simultaneously true to our beliefs and humble to the world.  Our pride and joy comes from serving, not winning and imposing our point of view.  Therefore, with God at the center of our universe, we are not required to be wise in the ways of the world, just dependent on the wisdom of someone we consider greater than ourselves.  How comforting to know we are not in charge!

What would you do today if you weren't afraid?

A friend of mine was struggling with a major decision in his life.  Should he date this girl, or not.  See, she was his best friend and his concern was that if he dated her and it didn't go well, he would not only lose a girlfriend, but his best friend as well.

His fear of making this dating mistake basically paralyzed his decision making capabilities to the point that he almost hurt the friendship by not responding to her interests in taking the relationship to the next level.  We were sitting around the dinner table one night and he was lamenting this problem to me, and I asked him, "What would you do if you weren't afraid?"  He immediately replied that he would date this girl.  Well, as you can imagine, I didn't cut him any slack but encouraged him to think about his response.

Shortly afterward, he stopped by to tell me that he had indeed asked her for a date, and that the friendship had survived the entire event.

A few months later, I receive the news that there is a wedding in the future.  Turns out the friendship was an indication of just how compatible they were with each other.  My family attended the wedding, and as part of the rehearsal dinner, the groom shared the story of our night at the table when I asked him that question, and how glad he was he overcame the fear and acted.

So, I am not at the table with you right now, but think about that one thing you need to do, but aren't sure whether or not it is going to work out right.  I guess you know what question I am going to ask you. 

Let me know what happens.