What do you do when everyone doesn’t like you?

Do you think you could stand it if everyone in the world liked you?  Imagine the pressure to remember names, spouses, interests and hobbies for all the people you come into contact with.

Life would be so simple if we could view the world that way.  In other words, that life is easier by having some people not be a match for us.  However, for most of us that is not the case.  We live our lives under the burden of those people who do not like us or who do not want to have a connection with us.   Why is it more important to us that we had a negative experience with someone that that we had so many positive ones.

I used to be so scared of people that I could hardly function.  I worried that each interaction was a place for someone to make me feel worse about myself by rejecting me in some way.  What a prison that can be.  Do you ever worry about this?  Have you experienced a situation where someone rejected you or did not want to interact with you?

This happens quite frequently in business.  We have prospects who don’t want to buy from us and we take it personally.  We have a boss who just doesn’t connect with us and promotes those with whom he does.  We have suppliers that walk all over us trying to use intimidation to tilt the negotiations.  We have peers that are competing with us for the next promotion.  It can be quite overwhelming if we let it.

The problem with this line of thinking is that it causes us to miss the positives that are going on around us, and which make up the majority of our interactions.  I decided a few years ago that there had to be something better for me.  Therefore, I began an informal, where I decided to take a positive approach with everyone I met, and see what kind of reactions I got. 

Turns out that only about 70% of those I talked to were interested in responding.  30% of those I talked to either cut me off, or demonstrated irritation or just tolerated me then moved on as soon as they could.  Now, you could say that I have some communications challenges or personality issues.  That is what I used to think. What I believe now is that there is a large group of people out there I can connect with if I go seek them out.

The last time you checked, was 70% more than 30%?  Of course it is.  Now for the hard question.  Is the value of the positive feedback from the 70% greater than the impact of the negative feedback of the 30%?  The answer to this is the 70% Solution.  If you can accept that this greater percentage of people is going to connect with you, you are freed up to remove the fear from your interactions.  You can pursue relationships and celebrate the ones you get, while understanding those you don’t.

Now, this does not mean the 30% are bad people. They just have a different 70%.  It also does not mean you will never connect with them, but you may have to use a different approach, and be very patient while understanding it may never happen.

I encourage you to consider the implications of this line of thinking.  If you are sincere and reach out to people you have a high likelihood of being rewarded.  If you are yourself on the sales call or in your company interactions, you will have some success you didn’t expect.  You will not have the burden of pretending to be something you aren’t to connect to those you can’t.

Go out there and begin to talk to people freely.  See for yourself what happens as a result.

Quick Thought on Wisdom - The truth in your mind

Proverbs 27:19  As water reflects your face, so your mind shows what kind of person you are.

This is so cool because it lives behind the mask.  What are you thinking about right now?  What were you thinking about a while ago?  What are you likely to think about?

Your mind is the source of your character.  We have been given the will to determine how and what we think.  We are equipped for positive or negative thoughts, but the gravity of life pulls naturally toward thoughts that are self serving and self beneficial.  We must actively work on our mind to build strength of character.  This is not just beneficial in our conscious thinking day in and day out.  This work prepares us for our reactions to external stimuli.  The old adage garbage in garbage out is more true that we think.  If we surround ourselves with selfish people that will build that momentum in us.  If we watch violent or sexually explicit shows or movies, we build momentum toward that thinking.

Like a rock rolling down hill, these thoughts gather strength in affecting our character.  They are sitting there waiting for the scantily clad young woman to walk by, or for our child to make a serious mistake.  The thoughts that go through our mind will come out in our actions or words.  Hurtful to our families, friends and reputation.

Is it worth the risk to not discipline our minds toward good things?  Should we surround ourselves with positive people, and reduce our exposure to the negative and critical?  Should we manage what we watch?  Should we put in processes for reacting to our children or subordinates to give pause to our responses?

Perhaps.  Worth thinking about at least?

Quick Thought on Wisdom - The benefits of counsel

Proverbs 27:17  As Iron Sharpens Iron, so people can improve each other.

One of the most difficult things I have ever had to learn is that I don't know everything.  This may be hard for some of you to accept, but yes it is true.  This has not stopped me from trying to do everything on my own.  My wife and my parents have both pointed out to me that I am quick to make decisions and act, without even asking any advice from them or anyone else.  I am often wrong and spend a lot of time fixing problems caused by my rash actions.

In starting my own company, I have set a goal to always look for others who can give me advice to make better decisions.  This has led me to go slower, seek help from friends, seek referrals, and other actions that I would have passed right by before.  I have added to my consulting business a role as of mentoring to hopefully pay it forward for the benefits others have provided me.

The bottom line of this is very clear but hard to do.  Can you realize that you will be a better leader, parent, spouse, follower, etc. if you are willing to seek out and accept the input of others?  Are you willing to listen?  And... are you willing to be an influence to others?

People need you to help.  Don't waste your wisdom!

Thoughts on Wisdom - Part 4 - What do you fear the most?

Have you ever watched one of those TV detective shows where a woman has been subject to years of abuse by her husband and then is accused of murder as a result of finally having had enough?  Most often the question at hand is "why didn't she just leave?".  Other times, you see a story about the homeless in New York, and you wonder, "why don't they just move somewhere else where they can get a job?"

Human nature is a very complex thing.  We become attuned to our current situation, and often even if it is not the greatest in the world, we stay because it is safer that the outside world.  Having just experienced five months of unemployment, I can assure you it is scary out there.  I would much rather have stayed behind my desk, happy or sad.  Why is that?  Have you ever felt that way?

The question that starts this blog post asks what we fear the most.  I believe for most of us, it is change!  In fact, doctors tell us that the more change we experience, the more likely our health is to take a hit.  Our physical, emotional and social characteristics are so set in current behavior that the new is difficult to incorporate in.

Now, think for a moment about the implications of this for wisdom.  Wisdom is not just learning something new, but acting on it in some positive way.  Otherwise it is just knowledge.  The bible, for example is full of wisdom.  However, the instructions describe the spiritual experience as being born again.  Consider the implications of this impossible statement.  As a child, we have no set behaviors.  We are open to new learnings and adapt to teachings and experiences daily.  A child will trust those who are teaching them to provide the right information and will accept it on faith, forming their world view from these teachings and experiences.

Using the above example as a basis, let's consider the possibilities for overcoming this fear of change.  They are not very high.  It requires a daily willingness to consider the new.  It is an act of the will, which will then have to war against our human nature.  Imagine the wife who is willing to consider the new, and have faith that there is something positive out there for her to experience.  Perhaps she would be more willing to leave the bad situation.

Imagine you, willing to consider something new each day.  What is there out there today that could rock your world if you would let it?  Hey, talk to a democrat or republican, whichever you are not - and be open to their point of view!  Talk to a Christian or a non-believer, and really listen to their point of view.  Talk to a teenager or a senior citizen.  At the end of the day, ask yourself:  Were you open to anything at all that was shared with you... or are you afraid?

Try it and tell me how it goes!!!!!

Where the heck are you going?

If you are a guy like me, you have inevitably heard those words as you take the exit beyond the one you intended to take, and rather than re-enter the interstate and go back one exit, you turn on your internal GPS and start your cross country small road attempt to end up where you intended to go.  In your mind you know exactly where you expect to end up, and it is not your fault if if those with you can't see it.  In fact, they may know exactly where you are trying to go as well, but just can't see it from the route you are taking.

Our natural response?  "Just be quiet, I know what I am doing."  Ha!  I have had to stop more than once and ask as a result of having set off in a direction that seemed right at the time but put me in a place where no road seemed to get nearer to my goal.

Oul lives our companies and our ministries can experience the same situations, and we as leaders cannot afford the luxury of just turning and trying any old road with the expectation it will take us where we want to go, without the support of those along for the ride with us.  Sometimes the wise move is to turn around and go back to the interstate, but sometimes that way is not open to us and we have to keep going in a direction we think will take us toward the goal.

I have two pieces of advice for you this morning.  First, you need to communicate clearly to those riding with you why you are going the direction you are headed, and make sure they understand as well your level of certainty.  It is ok for those with you to leave breadcrumbs for the possibility of backtracking, but they need to be on board with the direction and the risk.  After all, you are the leader.  Take the time to talk about things in a positive but realistic manner.  You never expect to lose, do you?  However, you may have to change the gameplan a little to ensure success.

My second piece of advice is be willing to stop and ask for direction.  A small bit of tweaking to a plan can in some cases redirect you back toward the goal, rather than allowing you to move further away, and eventually forcing a backtrack.  Consider having a mentor who will give you feedback from his or her experiences.  Also, consider having someone audit your plans and from the outside critique the direction based on your goals. 

Visit WisdomSelling.com for more thoughts on this idea.

Would you lie to make a six-figure Deal?

My wife and I were watching a new and interesting show on TV about a group of guys who sell million dollar real estate.  It seems like their total focus was on making the deal, and their commissions were upwards of six figures on some deals.  These guys let the cameras follow them around during their listing processes, their sales methods and their social lives.  They gave of a strong sense of being willing to do about anything to make a sale.  Just no real set of distinct guidelines for character except as needed to get the deal done.

So this one guy has a listing that he plans to put a special push on and he begins making calls to his major clients.  To each one he uses the same lines, like:  I am calling you first, you are my most important customer, of course I called you first, etc.  Each time he was filmed on the phone he was spinning some message to please the customer, each an obvious exaggeration or outright lie.

Now, this may seem like a personal preference of the agent that I should just accept, but my son was also in the room, watching the show off and on as we admired the different huge houses.  I had to stop and tell him that these lies the guy was telling were not acceptable, and that we should never behave like that.  Well, that is the right thing to say, isn't it? 

However, I immediately had a gut check time.  Would I ever use any sort of falsehood to make a deal?  While now I can safely say I would not, I cannot say my entire sales career was lie free.  I live with the regret of some of what I recall, but I am sure there are lots of times I made a small point that was untrue that I don't even remember.  Ouch - seeing it from the outside in was so distasteful!

I watched this guy with amazement as he had no concerns at all about the viewing public see him do this.  I also had to wonder if he thought these people he was talking to would never watch the show.  What would he say if they called to challenge him on this?  Would he even care?  In today's culture this behavior is being glorified, filmed and shown as entertainment.  Good Grief.

So as you are reading this, is there anything coming to mind that you might need to deal with from the past or for the future.  I encourage you to at least privately consider it and make a decision on your deals in the future.  Win with honesty or not at all?  Easily said, but challenging to implement.  Good luck!

Interesting Thought - Is technology robbing us of truly interesting people?

My daughter and I were driving to school this morning, and she told me about the ring she was wearing.  She told me it was from her Grandmother.  Well, not really. It was from her mom, but she wanted it to be from her Grandmother “Nanny”, so she was pretending it was.  My daughter is 15, so if she is pretending, it must be pretty important.

I told her she needed to come up with a story about the ring that would give it a special meaning.  She thought for a moment then told a story of some small value, but brief and to the point. I explained to her that was unacceptable, as a story about something as valuable as a ring needed a special story.

So, she challenged me with “go”.  Here is my story, right off the cuff:

Nanny’s husband was a wonderful man when they met, but after the marriage the weight of the world began to wear him down.  In order to cope with this life of disappointment and lack of direction, he began to drink.  In fact, he drank so much he became an alcoholic.  He began to be more aggressive at home; in fact, he was somewhat verbally abusive.  He would stay out late, and Nanny became despondent over the lack of any relationship with her husband.  She longed for a conversation that didn’t focus on something she did wrong or neglected to do at all.

Her husband fell further and further down, until there was no relationship at all.  Her Christian values provided her comfort and helped her commit to stay, but her reasons were so unselfish – to hopefully one day help him recover his character and follow his dreams.

One day, he was sitting in a bar, as he usually did, and a ring salesman sat down next to him.  He asked what he was doing there, and her husband explained how this was the only place he felt at home anymore.  The salesman asked if he was married.  Yes, he replied.  The salesman said he was too, and was very sad to be away from his wife for even the little while it took him to run his route each week.  He asked Nanny’s husband to tell him about Nanny.  Well, no one likes to tell about his wife as a failure, so he began to describe her as he once thought her to be.  The more he talked, the more interesting the description became, and he felt something he hadn’t felt in a while.  He missed her, and actually wanted to be with her more than being at the bar.

After a few more moments, a tear formed in his eye.  The salesman asked if something was wrong.  The husband replied that everything was wrong and he was the cause.  He realized that he wanted her more than he wanted the beer.  He then proceeded to confess to the salesman about his life of drinking and abuse.  The salesman told him he didn’t think it was too late.  Nanny’s husband stood up with the intention to leave and go straight home to her.

The ring salesman then told him not to go home empty handed, and opened his case to reveal a simple silver ring.  He gave it to Nanny’s husband and told him to present it to her as a symbol of his commitment to a new life.

Turns out it was.  From then on, life was different.  And Nanny did not take this ring off till she was ready to leave to see him in heaven, at which point she presented it to my daughter, with a request that she remember it is never too late.

Thus the importance of the ring to my daughter.

It was fun to tell the story, but her response was sobering and saddening.  She said that if I was growing up today I would just be normal, rather than having this streak of creativity.  She said that the television, internet and cell phone had robbed her peers of the ability to tell stories and create from scratch.

If this has happened to you, or to someone you know, it is not too late!  Tell a story tonight.  Or two or three.  Teach your friends and families to tell stories about the objects around them.  Be creative before creativity disappears.